Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You Might Also Like
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
#parenting
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”