(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
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Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Saturday
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?