The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Florida be like…
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My loaf of bread looks terrified