Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
And bowling should be called pinball
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come