Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy