Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
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The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.