IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
me
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band