FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
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[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.