[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
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My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Breaking news:
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.