In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
You Might Also Like
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.