I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride