*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
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Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”