Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
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My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.