(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
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How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what