There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
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Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
A family that plays together cheats.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”