I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!