4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
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I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic