i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
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every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
My favorite farside!!
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Anime is real
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…