My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
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[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Childbirth is so beautiful
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow