The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
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Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*