GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.