I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
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Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.