Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
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Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]