Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
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You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you