sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO