explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
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“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I know this now 😂
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
water it, i dare you
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”