“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
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I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.