Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.