Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
My inexpensive home security system…
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Overindulged this afternoon.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?