My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
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Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out