First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
not to brag, but mine was free
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017