her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
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Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
The biggest mystery of our time
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Education is vital
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.