Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
You Might Also Like
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool