Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.