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Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
*serious situation*
My brain:
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is