After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
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A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…