astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
when nothing goes right… go left
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her