When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
❤️🦆
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
three things we don’t talk about
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”