[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
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[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*