Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
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Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
August 8
HELP 😭
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!