There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
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Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me too door. Me too.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.