billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
every. time.
Doctors just told me I have “stripper lung” from inhaling too much brass polish & if I go back to “JIGGLERS” again I’ll die.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.