Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
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I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.