Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise