Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
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Flock of bats
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…