I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.