[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
I just love that new Pope smell.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I only treason on days ending in y
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.