Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
You Might Also Like
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Great acting.. 😂
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.