You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
You Might Also Like
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
hackers play passwordle
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.