Monica just destroyed the internet
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Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
what’s more important?
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Human are so complicated
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
A Short Story.